The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
