im holly from the hills drunk
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
