Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
that's an acceptable place to lick
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
