No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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