There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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