im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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