I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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