i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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