I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
