Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
