i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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