i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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