He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
