The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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