It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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