every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
im about as happy as oj after his trial
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
