I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
