Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
