Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
