I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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