So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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