I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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