apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
