drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
