There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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