he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
