maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I have already put on my inside pants.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
