i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
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He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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