is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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