Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
