life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
