Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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