I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
