dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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