He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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