Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
