I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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