I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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