Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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