he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
