Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
