Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
