In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
