You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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