I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
