Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
