Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
