My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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