There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
