Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
