finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
