roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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