I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
