dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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