when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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