I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. š
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
At least Iām an āessential employeeā and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesnāt ask why Iām essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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