I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
