Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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