If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
