No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
